Seeing Stars

I got up this morning at about 5:00 and looked out the window to the sky.

Now, I don't know if you're familiar with the sky at night in and around Philadelphia, but stars are not our "thing".  In fact, I can't remember when I looked at the sky at night and saw stars.

But I saw stars this morning - a whole sky full of stars - and one star in particular, that was exceptionally bright. 

It was beautiful and unexpected and just for a few seconds, I felt peace.

It was fleeting - but it was there.  The first time I've felt any peace since Greg died. 

I am grateful.

March Madness

Sitting here watching the NCAA Basketball Championships, I can't help but think about a year ago when Greg watched every game with us.  Michael and I were so into it, he thought we lost our minds.

Richard started a family bracket on the CBS website and invited ALL of us to join and submit our brackets.  I love the NCAA's and began getting ready for them weeks before the actual tournament.
By the time the tournament arrived, I was ready to fill out a bracket.

Almost everyone filled one out.  Richard invited all the kids, from the oldest at 18 to the youngest at 4-years-old.  Even Michael filled out a bracket and he said that it was the first one he ever filled out in his life.  His goal was to beat Brynn (who was 6 at the time).  We had so much fun as a family - more connected than we had been in years. 

Everyone laughed at my bracket, but I ended up coming in second.  Take that, you sports wizards!

Greg was sick of basketball.  We watched SO much basketball.  I thought it was funny at the time.  This year I have a different perspective.

I don't know if he was living here then, but he spent a lot of time here and he was kind of stuck watching whatever we chose to watch. 

I think about what his life was like then - how it felt to not have his own television - his own remote - his own place to watch whatever he wanted - whenever he wanted. 

To feel so alone - so sad - so depressed - so hopeless.  To know more about how bad things were than anyone could even imagine. 

I wish I had known.  I wish I had been able to help.

I wish. 

Eight Months

Eight months today since Greg died.  I miss him more every day.

I watch the news and cry when I see the parents of the children who were killed in the school shooting in Florida.  I wish I could save them from what's to come.