Eight months today since Greg died. I miss him more every day.
I watch the news and cry when I see the parents of the children who were killed in the school shooting in Florida. I wish I could save them from what's to come.
It takes a while to absorb the enormity of the loss of a child. It's not something you understand in the first week - or first month - or even the first eight months. I have no illusions that the worst is over. I'm sure it's not.
I feel empty today - so empty - so unbelievably sad. No one could have explained this feeling to me. No one could have warned me.
I'm desperately trying to find a place of peace when I think about Greg - even if it's tiny and fleeting. No matter where it starts - a tender memory - a shared laugh with him, I end up feeling his pain - his extreme loneliness - his feelings of failure. He said over and over that he just wanted to do something to be proud of.
I'm grateful that he's not in pain any more. At least I don't think he's in pain any more. Is he okay? My faith tells me that he is, but I feel no peace. It feels to me like he's still suffering and I can't shake the feeling.
There is no rest from this - no break - just endless sorrow and pain. I'm lost.
I watch the news and cry when I see the parents of the children who were killed in the school shooting in Florida. I wish I could save them from what's to come.
It takes a while to absorb the enormity of the loss of a child. It's not something you understand in the first week - or first month - or even the first eight months. I have no illusions that the worst is over. I'm sure it's not.
I feel empty today - so empty - so unbelievably sad. No one could have explained this feeling to me. No one could have warned me.
I'm desperately trying to find a place of peace when I think about Greg - even if it's tiny and fleeting. No matter where it starts - a tender memory - a shared laugh with him, I end up feeling his pain - his extreme loneliness - his feelings of failure. He said over and over that he just wanted to do something to be proud of.
I'm grateful that he's not in pain any more. At least I don't think he's in pain any more. Is he okay? My faith tells me that he is, but I feel no peace. It feels to me like he's still suffering and I can't shake the feeling.
There is no rest from this - no break - just endless sorrow and pain. I'm lost.
No comments:
Post a Comment