Forgiveness?

Helpful therapy today with WooWoo. 

Have I mentioned that I tripped over the edge of the carpet and fractured my shoulder?  It's a bad break that needs surgery to repair it - nuts, bolts, and screws - that kind of break.  Unfortunately, due to lung issues, I'm not a candidate for surgery.  So.  It is what it is - and it will heal - or not heal. 

The break has caused a permanent loss of mobility in my arm - limiting my life in more ways than I could possibly have imagined.

I only mention it because it's another layer of pain - physical and emotional - on top of everything since Greg died.  There are days that it all feels like too much.  On those days, I swallow some of the pain that I don't feel able to deal with - and put it off for another day. 

The pain of missing Greg is one of the things I've been trying to swallow.  It's useless, of course, but at times I try anyway.  Sooner or later the pain refuses to be denied and it always comes back stronger than if I'd dealt with it at the time I chose to swallow and not feel it.

I'm just trying to stay on my feet. 

The pain is chasing me down and I am overwhelmed.  One of the things that haunts me as a Christian, is if Greg is okay. 

Part of the reason I worry (I realized today) is that I'm used to worrying about Greg.  I've worried about him for a long time.  It's what I do.  Is he okay? Is he not okay?  What can I do?  How can I help? 

I watched his drug problem get worse and worse and felt helpless that I couldn't do anything to protect or save my child.  It was heartbreaking.  I tried.  I couldn't stop it.  All I could do was to worry.   I tried to trust God and not worry.  The evidence before me told me that I should worry.  This was my child who I loved more than life.  I couldn't bear the thought of losing him.

And so... as hard as I tried to trust... I failed.  I worried.

I've also had more than one person tell me that Greg is not okay - that he's suffering - that he's being punished for taking his own life.  I don't know what to do with that.  At least I didn't - until today.

I believe in the God of the Bible - and the Bible tells me...

^{Romans 8:38-39
38} For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Nothing can separate us from the love of God.  Nothing.

Some people have told me that Greg could not be forgiven for taking his own life because it's a sin for which he could not repent.  

1.  Is it true that there was no time for repentance?  In a previous post I mentioned survivors who jumped from the Brooklyn Bridge and said later that they regretted it the second they jumped.  There may have been time to repent.

2.   There are always things that we do wrong that we aren't aware of - sins that we commit without thinking or without awareness.  I am surely not perfect and never will be.  If I were, there would be no need for Jesus' forgiveness.  Can anyone die without having something for which they haven't asked forgiveness - or for which they're not even aware that they need forgiveness?

I guess what I'm saying is that as of today, I'm going to attempt to put this worry to rest and trust God.  God tells me that nothing can separate Greg from God's love.  Nothing.  Not a suicide.  Nothing.   

As much as I love Greg - God loves him more.  

I love you, Greg and I miss you every day.  My heart aches - for all you suffered - and for those of us who are left without you.  But I'm going to trust that you are safe with God - and that I don't have to worry any more about whether or not you're okay.  

Thank you, God, for loving my boy. 

Jen's mom

Jen's mom died this week (let's call her Judi).  The viewing and service were today. 

Judi was having pain in her stomach and so, decided to go to the doctor.  At first, they couldn't find anything, but eventually they discovered that Judi had cancer and that it had spread.  That was in March.  And now, she's gone.

Jen was a friend of Rich and Greg in their teen years - and a particular favorite of mine.  Greg was close to Jen's family, especially Jen's dad (Let's call him Larry).  They treated Greg like one of their own.  He would be devastated today.

He would also have been the family's best support.  He would have been part of every arrangement that they'd let him be part of.  He'd be a rock for the family.  And he would hide his own pain.

Larry was a contractor who was an enthusiastic and loving mentor for Greg. And Greg adored Larry.   I think my favorite story was about Larry teaching Greg to drive a stick shift (truck).

Greg came home after a day working with Larry (at Larry's house) and told us that he had learned to drive a stick shift that day.

My memory isn't what it used to be, but it seems to me that Larry wanted Greg to take his truck to Home Depot or somewhere and pick something up.  Greg got in the truck and yelled out the window to Larry, "It's stick shift!  I never drove a stick shift before."

Greg said that Larry laughed and answered, "That's okay, Greg.  You'll figure it out before you get to the end of the driveway."  (Thankfully, they had a long driveway.)   There was no more instruction. 

Greg said he stalled the truck; he ground the gears; the truck lurched; and by the time he hit the street, Greg knew how to drive a stick shift truck.  Larry's confidence was affirmed.

I cried today for Jen.  I cried today for the rest of the family.  But I cried the most because it brought back so many memories of Greg.

Today is one of those days that make me wonder how I will go on without him.  There are still so very many of those days.

I miss my son.