Helpful therapy today with WooWoo.
Have I mentioned that I tripped over the edge of the carpet and fractured my shoulder? It's a bad break that needs surgery to repair it - nuts, bolts, and screws - that kind of break. Unfortunately, due to lung issues, I'm not a candidate for surgery. So. It is what it is - and it will heal - or not heal.
The break has caused a permanent loss of mobility in my arm - limiting my life in more ways than I could possibly have imagined.
I only mention it because it's another layer of pain - physical and emotional - on top of everything since Greg died. There are days that it all feels like too much. On those days, I swallow some of the pain that I don't feel able to deal with - and put it off for another day.
The pain of missing Greg is one of the things I've been trying to swallow. It's useless, of course, but at times I try anyway. Sooner or later the pain refuses to be denied and it always comes back stronger than if I'd dealt with it at the time I chose to swallow and not feel it.
I'm just trying to stay on my feet.
The pain is chasing me down and I am overwhelmed. One of the things that haunts me as a Christian, is if Greg is okay.
Part of the reason I worry (I realized today) is that I'm used to worrying about Greg. I've worried about him for a long time. It's what I do. Is he okay? Is he not okay? What can I do? How can I help?
I watched his drug problem get worse and worse and felt helpless that I couldn't do anything to protect or save my child. It was heartbreaking. I tried. I couldn't stop it. All I could do was to worry. I tried to trust God and not worry. The evidence before me told me that I should worry. This was my child who I loved more than life. I couldn't bear the thought of losing him.
And so... as hard as I tried to trust... I failed. I worried.
I've also had more than one person tell me that Greg is not okay - that he's suffering - that he's being punished for taking his own life. I don't know what to do with that. At least I didn't - until today.
I believe in the God of the Bible - and the Bible tells me...
Romans 8:38-39
38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Nothing can separate us from the love of God. Nothing.
Some people have told me that Greg could not be forgiven for taking his own life because it's a sin for which he could not repent.
1. Is it true that there was no time for repentance? In a previous post I mentioned survivors who jumped from the Brooklyn Bridge and said later that they regretted it the second they jumped. There may have been time to repent.
2. There are always things that we do wrong that we aren't aware of - sins that we commit without thinking or without awareness. I am surely not perfect and never will be. If I were, there would be no need for Jesus' forgiveness. Can anyone die without having something for which they haven't asked forgiveness - or for which they're not even aware that they need forgiveness?
I guess what I'm saying is that as of today, I'm going to attempt to put this worry to rest and trust God. God tells me that nothing can separate Greg from God's love. Nothing. Not a suicide. Nothing.
As much as I love Greg - God loves him more.
I love you, Greg and I miss you every day. My heart aches - for all you suffered - and for those of us who are left without you. But I'm going to trust that you are safe with God - and that I don't have to worry any more about whether or not you're okay.
Thank you, God, for loving my boy.
Have I mentioned that I tripped over the edge of the carpet and fractured my shoulder? It's a bad break that needs surgery to repair it - nuts, bolts, and screws - that kind of break. Unfortunately, due to lung issues, I'm not a candidate for surgery. So. It is what it is - and it will heal - or not heal.
The break has caused a permanent loss of mobility in my arm - limiting my life in more ways than I could possibly have imagined.
I only mention it because it's another layer of pain - physical and emotional - on top of everything since Greg died. There are days that it all feels like too much. On those days, I swallow some of the pain that I don't feel able to deal with - and put it off for another day.
The pain of missing Greg is one of the things I've been trying to swallow. It's useless, of course, but at times I try anyway. Sooner or later the pain refuses to be denied and it always comes back stronger than if I'd dealt with it at the time I chose to swallow and not feel it.
I'm just trying to stay on my feet.
The pain is chasing me down and I am overwhelmed. One of the things that haunts me as a Christian, is if Greg is okay.
Part of the reason I worry (I realized today) is that I'm used to worrying about Greg. I've worried about him for a long time. It's what I do. Is he okay? Is he not okay? What can I do? How can I help?
I watched his drug problem get worse and worse and felt helpless that I couldn't do anything to protect or save my child. It was heartbreaking. I tried. I couldn't stop it. All I could do was to worry. I tried to trust God and not worry. The evidence before me told me that I should worry. This was my child who I loved more than life. I couldn't bear the thought of losing him.
And so... as hard as I tried to trust... I failed. I worried.
I've also had more than one person tell me that Greg is not okay - that he's suffering - that he's being punished for taking his own life. I don't know what to do with that. At least I didn't - until today.
I believe in the God of the Bible - and the Bible tells me...
Romans 8:38-39
38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Nothing can separate us from the love of God. Nothing.
Some people have told me that Greg could not be forgiven for taking his own life because it's a sin for which he could not repent.
1. Is it true that there was no time for repentance? In a previous post I mentioned survivors who jumped from the Brooklyn Bridge and said later that they regretted it the second they jumped. There may have been time to repent.
2. There are always things that we do wrong that we aren't aware of - sins that we commit without thinking or without awareness. I am surely not perfect and never will be. If I were, there would be no need for Jesus' forgiveness. Can anyone die without having something for which they haven't asked forgiveness - or for which they're not even aware that they need forgiveness?
I guess what I'm saying is that as of today, I'm going to attempt to put this worry to rest and trust God. God tells me that nothing can separate Greg from God's love. Nothing. Not a suicide. Nothing.
As much as I love Greg - God loves him more.
I love you, Greg and I miss you every day. My heart aches - for all you suffered - and for those of us who are left without you. But I'm going to trust that you are safe with God - and that I don't have to worry any more about whether or not you're okay.
Thank you, God, for loving my boy.
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