Five Months

Five months today since Greg died. 

My "logical" self tried to prepare.  I know it's bad - every month.  I tried to prepare this time. 

I called a friend.  Remember my tomato friend, who brought me tomatoes (and love) last summer?  She's still around - still thoughtful - still kind.  I asked her if she had time for lunch.  Thankfully, she did. 

I picked her up at her house and we went out for pizza.  She asked if I would take her to visit Greg's grave.  (Where we decided to go for lunch was fairly close to the cemetery.)   I wasn't sure at first - had to take a couple minutes to think about it.  Could I do it?  Today?  On the 4th?  On the 5th month memorial of Greg's death?

I decided that I could go. 

I took my friend to the cemetery - unloaded my scooter - and we went to the grave.  I felt the same heavy heart - the same sadness pulling me under - the wave of grief that I always feel at Greg's grave. 

We stayed a few minutes and left.  I thought I was okay - not great - but okay.   (Some days, 'okay' is more than enough.)

I dropped my friend off at her house and I went home - and cried.

Will the 4th of the month be this painful forever?  I pray it won't.