This subject is a land mine - and everyone has an opinion. I tend to worry about everyone's opinion but my own. I'm concerned about causing pain whatever I decide to do. As a result, nothing feels right to me. Nothing.
Greg's wife said that they did not put Greg's stocking up on Christmas day. His kids felt it would be too painful. Greg loved Christmas (a repeating message) and he loved stockings and all the clever things that stockings hold. He was a GREAT stocking shopper - and great stocking opener! His children felt that seeing Greg's empty stocking would just be too sad, so they did not put the stocking up.
I understand. But I'm not sure I'm ready to put Greg's stocking in a box forever. And I know I'm not ready to throw it away. And I know I don't want a sad, empty, ghost stocking on the mantle in the middle of all the other stockings.
Right now the stockings are up. Greg's is not there and I can't stand to look at the mantle. I can't look without crying.
Kate is here today to bake cookies - the second year of what we hope will be a long-standing tradition. We're busy and having a great day. She is so smart - and strong - and sweet! I am constantly in awe of her.
The state of the stocking doesn't damper our day at all, but after Kate leaves, it buzzes around my head like a gnat. It's just... there. I feel a need to make a decision.
Decorating the tree at Greg's grave on Christmas Eve was heartbreakingly difficult. I did it originally for Scott, because he was thoughtful enough to provide the tree and no one honored his effort. I felt I needed to do that for him. After the tree was decorated and we were at home and I had more time to think about it, I was very grateful for Scott's thoughtfulness. Greg loved Christmas so much! Honoring his love of Christmas with a tree (with lights) was the exact, right thing to do. As intuitive as I usually am, Scott has an amazing way of knowing and understanding these things long before I get there. We did it to honor Greg's love of life - his love of Christmas (and all things that light up and sparkle at Christmas). We didn't do it for Greg to enjoy out there at the grave. He isn't there.
I decided that in the spirit of honoring Greg at Christmas, to make a donation in his name. I don't know if I'll do the same thing next year. I'm just putting one foot in front of the other this year - operating somewhere between autopilot and numb - with an occasional meltdown to tie it all together.
This year I made a donation to Habitat for Humanity in Greg's name. Greg was a builder and a problem solver - champion of the underdog - a helper of the helpless. It seemed right to make a donation to an organization who does so much for people in need. They (Habitat for Humanity) sent me a card with the donation information - the purpose of the donation - and the information honoring Greg. I decided to put the card in Greg's stocking and put the stocking on the mantle with everyone else's - and hope I don't cause anyone pain in the process.
I don't know how it will affect Greg's kids. I worry about Brynn, who hasn't been able to say Greg's name since he died. What about Kate and Bryce? What about the littlest ones? Will they even notice? How much do they understand?
I've made the decision. I'm going with the stocking on the mantle. I just wish I felt better about it.
Greg's wife said that they did not put Greg's stocking up on Christmas day. His kids felt it would be too painful. Greg loved Christmas (a repeating message) and he loved stockings and all the clever things that stockings hold. He was a GREAT stocking shopper - and great stocking opener! His children felt that seeing Greg's empty stocking would just be too sad, so they did not put the stocking up.
I understand. But I'm not sure I'm ready to put Greg's stocking in a box forever. And I know I'm not ready to throw it away. And I know I don't want a sad, empty, ghost stocking on the mantle in the middle of all the other stockings.
Right now the stockings are up. Greg's is not there and I can't stand to look at the mantle. I can't look without crying.
Kate is here today to bake cookies - the second year of what we hope will be a long-standing tradition. We're busy and having a great day. She is so smart - and strong - and sweet! I am constantly in awe of her.
The state of the stocking doesn't damper our day at all, but after Kate leaves, it buzzes around my head like a gnat. It's just... there. I feel a need to make a decision.
Decorating the tree at Greg's grave on Christmas Eve was heartbreakingly difficult. I did it originally for Scott, because he was thoughtful enough to provide the tree and no one honored his effort. I felt I needed to do that for him. After the tree was decorated and we were at home and I had more time to think about it, I was very grateful for Scott's thoughtfulness. Greg loved Christmas so much! Honoring his love of Christmas with a tree (with lights) was the exact, right thing to do. As intuitive as I usually am, Scott has an amazing way of knowing and understanding these things long before I get there. We did it to honor Greg's love of life - his love of Christmas (and all things that light up and sparkle at Christmas). We didn't do it for Greg to enjoy out there at the grave. He isn't there.
I decided that in the spirit of honoring Greg at Christmas, to make a donation in his name. I don't know if I'll do the same thing next year. I'm just putting one foot in front of the other this year - operating somewhere between autopilot and numb - with an occasional meltdown to tie it all together.
This year I made a donation to Habitat for Humanity in Greg's name. Greg was a builder and a problem solver - champion of the underdog - a helper of the helpless. It seemed right to make a donation to an organization who does so much for people in need. They (Habitat for Humanity) sent me a card with the donation information - the purpose of the donation - and the information honoring Greg. I decided to put the card in Greg's stocking and put the stocking on the mantle with everyone else's - and hope I don't cause anyone pain in the process.
I don't know how it will affect Greg's kids. I worry about Brynn, who hasn't been able to say Greg's name since he died. What about Kate and Bryce? What about the littlest ones? Will they even notice? How much do they understand?
I've made the decision. I'm going with the stocking on the mantle. I just wish I felt better about it.
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