Regrets

Long night - nightmares - flashbacks of the worst days of the past few years with Greg - all carry over into and throughout the day.

I do believe I did the best I knew how to do - but it wasn't good enough.   There are so many things I did that I could have done better.  I caused pain when I wanted to give love - caused hurt when I wanted to heal.  If I could go back and do things differently, would it change anything?  I don't know.  Maybe.  But I doubt it.

Helpful Solutions

Greg was great at finding solutions for problems that I hadn't even recognized as problems - yet.  He was always making unsolicited changes to my house.  He couldn't see a solvable problem - and not solve it.  Just couldn't.  Here are a few...

Six months

Today marks the first six months - of forever.

No escape

 Nothing is simple. 

The past month has been a combination of plowing through, looking forward, and periods of unbearable sadness and grief.  Autopilot.  Numbness.  Despair.

I did a lousy job of  "Christmas" this year.  I'm usually thoughtful - give thoughtful gifts.  Not so much this year.   I did 'okay' but not great.  Christmas is huge for me.  I get enormous pleasure from creating our family's 2nd Christmas celebration - and all the planning that goes into it.   My spreadsheets have spreadsheets.