Long night - nightmares - flashbacks of the worst days of the past few years with Greg - all carry over into and throughout the day.
I do believe I did the best I knew how to do - but it wasn't good enough. There are so many things I did that I could have done better. I caused pain when I wanted to give love - caused hurt when I wanted to heal. If I could go back and do things differently, would it change anything? I don't know. Maybe. But I doubt it.
If someone could promise that nothing I did or didn't do could have changed the outcome of what happened, it still wouldn't erase all of these images - and all of these regrets.
I don't know what to do with all this. The intensity of this sadness is exhausting and debilitating. Sometimes it feels like it will kill me - like today.
I keep fighting with whatever energy I have available on that day. I keep fighting.
Today was physical therapy. I wanted to cancel, but I didn't. When the therapist (let's call her Kristina) came this afternoon, she asked how I was doing. Through tears, I told her I was having a tough day. She asked if I was able to continue or if I'd rather cancel.
"Let's do this," I said, hoping I sounded like I meant it.
I'm afraid to go to sleep tonight.
I do believe I did the best I knew how to do - but it wasn't good enough. There are so many things I did that I could have done better. I caused pain when I wanted to give love - caused hurt when I wanted to heal. If I could go back and do things differently, would it change anything? I don't know. Maybe. But I doubt it.
If someone could promise that nothing I did or didn't do could have changed the outcome of what happened, it still wouldn't erase all of these images - and all of these regrets.
I don't know what to do with all this. The intensity of this sadness is exhausting and debilitating. Sometimes it feels like it will kill me - like today.
I keep fighting with whatever energy I have available on that day. I keep fighting.
Today was physical therapy. I wanted to cancel, but I didn't. When the therapist (let's call her Kristina) came this afternoon, she asked how I was doing. Through tears, I told her I was having a tough day. She asked if I was able to continue or if I'd rather cancel.
"Let's do this," I said, hoping I sounded like I meant it.
I'm afraid to go to sleep tonight.
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