Nothing is simple.
The past month has been a combination of plowing through, looking forward, and periods of unbearable sadness and grief. Autopilot. Numbness. Despair.
I did a lousy job of "Christmas" this year. I'm usually thoughtful - give thoughtful gifts. Not so much this year. I did 'okay' but not great. Christmas is huge for me. I get enormous pleasure from creating our family's 2nd Christmas celebration - and all the planning that goes into it. My spreadsheets have spreadsheets.
I love buying the gifts - finding special things for the people I love. I love wrapping the gifts - and keeping track of what's purchased, what's ordered (and not yet delivered), what's here, what's wrapped.
A couple of years ago my youngest daughter-in-law said that she loves opening her gifts at my house because every gift is personal - something that is specifically for her - something that reminded me of her in July - or October - and so I bought it. That was my best Christmas compliment - ever.
This year I felt like I was 25 steps behind and constantly running to catch up - afraid that if I slowed down, I'd collapse and give up.
In the middle of shopping - or wrapping - I would be overwhelmed with sadness, sobbing for 5-10 minutes and then I'd go back to whatever I was doing. Grief has been chasing me for a month (or more) and I've been able to stay just out of reach - barely - until Monday, the 31st - the day after our family celebration. Then it hit - and it hit hard - for two days (Monday and Tuesday). I thought I was safe, but there is no escape.
I'll spare you the details. Tonight I'm able to think (a little) - write (a little) - and make it through a half hour without tears. I don't want to go back to yesterday and feel that all over again.
Will I always be blindsided by these feelings? I've learned that Grief will have its way. There is nothing I can do to avoid it - nothing I can do to protect myself. All I can do is hope that after Grief knocks me down, I'll have the strength and courage to get back up again. It would be much too easy to just... give up.
The past month has been a combination of plowing through, looking forward, and periods of unbearable sadness and grief. Autopilot. Numbness. Despair.
I did a lousy job of "Christmas" this year. I'm usually thoughtful - give thoughtful gifts. Not so much this year. I did 'okay' but not great. Christmas is huge for me. I get enormous pleasure from creating our family's 2nd Christmas celebration - and all the planning that goes into it. My spreadsheets have spreadsheets.
I love buying the gifts - finding special things for the people I love. I love wrapping the gifts - and keeping track of what's purchased, what's ordered (and not yet delivered), what's here, what's wrapped.
A couple of years ago my youngest daughter-in-law said that she loves opening her gifts at my house because every gift is personal - something that is specifically for her - something that reminded me of her in July - or October - and so I bought it. That was my best Christmas compliment - ever.
This year I felt like I was 25 steps behind and constantly running to catch up - afraid that if I slowed down, I'd collapse and give up.
In the middle of shopping - or wrapping - I would be overwhelmed with sadness, sobbing for 5-10 minutes and then I'd go back to whatever I was doing. Grief has been chasing me for a month (or more) and I've been able to stay just out of reach - barely - until Monday, the 31st - the day after our family celebration. Then it hit - and it hit hard - for two days (Monday and Tuesday). I thought I was safe, but there is no escape.
I'll spare you the details. Tonight I'm able to think (a little) - write (a little) - and make it through a half hour without tears. I don't want to go back to yesterday and feel that all over again.
Will I always be blindsided by these feelings? I've learned that Grief will have its way. There is nothing I can do to avoid it - nothing I can do to protect myself. All I can do is hope that after Grief knocks me down, I'll have the strength and courage to get back up again. It would be much too easy to just... give up.
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