Despite the Darkness: Not me

Wednesday, October 24, 2018

Not me

Some days I look okay... sound okay... act okay... but I'm not okay.

I take a shower - have breakfast - take my medication - welcome the contractor who's building a powder room in my basement - smile - make a joke... but it's not me. It looks like me... sounds like me... acts like me... but it's not me.

I'm not in that body. I can see that body, but I'm not in it - not today.

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My son died on July 4, 2017 - 4 days before his 44th birthday. He hanged himself in the workshop behind his house.

Greg was addicted to drugs. He took all kinds of drugs. I'd like to think it started with prescription medication he took for his back, but I think that's a mother's delusion. I think he's taken drugs for many years, but his addiction has been obvious for the past two years. I would like to think that the hanging was due to drugs taken that morning, but whether he took them that morning or not, drugs were the cause of his death.

I hope to chronicle the first year of this journey for me - in hopes that someone, somewhere might find it helpful and know that they are not alone.