Two years ago today I found out that my precious boy had hanged himself. I screamed. I made noises I can't even describe. I pounded my head with both fists. The pain was so unbearable, I thought (wished) I might explode. I couldn't imagine living another day without Greg.
Today is not all that different. I am amazed that I wake up every day. I put one foot in front of the other every day, hoping it makes a difference to someone, but I don't think it does. I feel that I have less and less reason to wake up.
Someone recently recommended a book to me on loss, grief, and recovery. Recovery? Really? How do you ever "recover" from losing your child? I wish I could recover. I wish this pain would stop. I wish this grief would stop killing me a little more every day. Or... I wish that it would just take me. But recover? There is no recovery.
I had hoped I might see one or both of my other children today or a grandchild or two, but they are wisely taking care of themselves and their own grief - busy - off with friends. And I am alone with my grief. Again.
I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that my grief is mine alone - not to be shared - no comfort anywhere. I have to live it alone. I guess everyone has their own grief that they have to deal with.
It seems to me, though, that tragedies like this either bring families closer or split them apart. I was sure we were a "come together" family, but we are not.
How will I make myself get up tomorrow? Why should I?
Today is not all that different. I am amazed that I wake up every day. I put one foot in front of the other every day, hoping it makes a difference to someone, but I don't think it does. I feel that I have less and less reason to wake up.
Someone recently recommended a book to me on loss, grief, and recovery. Recovery? Really? How do you ever "recover" from losing your child? I wish I could recover. I wish this pain would stop. I wish this grief would stop killing me a little more every day. Or... I wish that it would just take me. But recover? There is no recovery.
I had hoped I might see one or both of my other children today or a grandchild or two, but they are wisely taking care of themselves and their own grief - busy - off with friends. And I am alone with my grief. Again.
I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that my grief is mine alone - not to be shared - no comfort anywhere. I have to live it alone. I guess everyone has their own grief that they have to deal with.
It seems to me, though, that tragedies like this either bring families closer or split them apart. I was sure we were a "come together" family, but we are not.
How will I make myself get up tomorrow? Why should I?
Oh Jane, this post just breaks me. I am so very sorry that you are feeling so alone in your grief. I remember that my parents grieved alone in the same house for a good while after Chris was killed and it nearly did them both in, particularly my mother. But eventually with the help of a good grief counselor, they began to share in their grief and a glimmer of healing took place. You will never be "revoered" or "healed" or "better", but with grief we somehow learn to weave it in to the fabric of our very being in order to not be torn completely apart. I can never imagine the depth of your pain and loss and my heart hurts to just think of it. But I so wish that your family could come together to share in the grief and to share in the love that your family was/is built on. I think of you daily and I pray for comfort and peace in your soul. I love you dearly and am so so very sorry. Distance is such a sucky thing!
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