It will be two years, on July 4th since Greg took his own life. If you had told me two years ago that I'd be alive today, I would have told you it wasn't possible. Without God's mercy and grace, I wouldn't be here.
I keep waiting for grieving to get better - to get easier - but it never does. People talk about healing. There is no healing. There is no day - no time - that this will ever be gone. It's permanent. It changes from day to day, but it is never gone.
I found this "thing" below on Facebook (cartoons, pictures and "inspirational" sayings are what Facebook is becoming, it seems). This is all very nice, but I don't think the "bench in the sun" day ever comes. It sounds like you reach some magical point where you take a deep breath and say, "Whew! The awful part is over! Now I can move forward. I'm okay." Really? This all hinges on one unknown cure point in the future - and once you hit that point... you're okay??? I don't think so.
Whoever wrote this didn't lose a child. They couldn't have.
Do I sound angry? I suppose I do. I suppose I am. I am every emotion you can imagine - every day.
An hour from now (or 5 minutes), I'll be drowning in sadness - unable to stop the tears. Then I may get a text from a grandchild and my heart will lift, and I'll be overcome with gratitude for that text - and love for that grandchild.
This week is the worst. I'm struggling to find any equilibrium. Holidays, Greg's birthday, his wedding anniversary, his son's graduation from high school, his children's birthdays - all those things push me to the edge of my endurance. I try to survive until the wave washes over me and then returns to the sea and I can regain some footing.
Every time another wave comes, I wonder if I'll be swept back to the ocean with it and drown,
Today I am weak - with no "fight" left in me. Below is the "Bible verse of the day" in my devotional. I'm staking my life on it.
"The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still." Exodus 14:14
I keep waiting for grieving to get better - to get easier - but it never does. People talk about healing. There is no healing. There is no day - no time - that this will ever be gone. It's permanent. It changes from day to day, but it is never gone.
I found this "thing" below on Facebook (cartoons, pictures and "inspirational" sayings are what Facebook is becoming, it seems). This is all very nice, but I don't think the "bench in the sun" day ever comes. It sounds like you reach some magical point where you take a deep breath and say, "Whew! The awful part is over! Now I can move forward. I'm okay." Really? This all hinges on one unknown cure point in the future - and once you hit that point... you're okay??? I don't think so.
Whoever wrote this didn't lose a child. They couldn't have.
Do I sound angry? I suppose I do. I suppose I am. I am every emotion you can imagine - every day.
An hour from now (or 5 minutes), I'll be drowning in sadness - unable to stop the tears. Then I may get a text from a grandchild and my heart will lift, and I'll be overcome with gratitude for that text - and love for that grandchild.
This week is the worst. I'm struggling to find any equilibrium. Holidays, Greg's birthday, his wedding anniversary, his son's graduation from high school, his children's birthdays - all those things push me to the edge of my endurance. I try to survive until the wave washes over me and then returns to the sea and I can regain some footing.
Every time another wave comes, I wonder if I'll be swept back to the ocean with it and drown,
Today I am weak - with no "fight" left in me. Below is the "Bible verse of the day" in my devotional. I'm staking my life on it.
"The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still." Exodus 14:14
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