Cousin Tom

My cousin, Tom died today.  I'm not sure how old he was - I think 62 or 63, probably.   I'm 69 and my brother is 59 and I know Tom was a few years older than my brother.

He's been sick for quite a while now.  Cancer.  Multiple Myeloma, lung cancer, liver cancer - too much cancer.

Type---erase---type---erase

I've been doing that whole type-erase-type-erase thing for days.  What I want to say - I can't.  And I'm probably better off if I don't dwell on it.  So, instead, I'll say this...

My days

I spend my days
losing things
and finding things
losing things
and finding things

since Greg died

The Connector

My oldest son always said that Greg was the 'connector'.  He never let us get too far apart.  Until the past couple years, if Greg didn't hear from any one of us for a few days... he'd call us to check in and see what we were up to.

On the job that Greg had for most of his life - since he was 18 years old - he spent a lot of time on the road.   He started as a laborer and ended up as the project manager for a commercial roofing company, often traveling hundreds of miles in a day to check on jobs.

Healing After Loss

"Sometimes the long view is not what I need.  I need this moment, without hostage to past or future, experienced for itself alone."  Martha Whitmore Hickman from Healing After Loss

Healing After Loss is a book of daily meditations that covers a year.  An old friend sent it to me shortly after Greg died and it resonated with me and I planned to start reading it daily, but as in most things over the past four months, my plans fell by the wayside.

Four months

Four months today since Greg died.
It feels like a minute.
It feels like forever.
It doesn't feel like four months.

 Chills - fever - tears - hopelessness.  Welcome to the 4th of the month.

Case closed

I received a letter last week from Family Court.  There was a piece of unfinished business with Greg that I needed to take care of, so today was the day - the sooner the better.

I chose today because I wasn't sure how I would  be affected and I have a haircut appointment at 1:00 this afternoon.  Busy is better.  I didn't want to go to Family Court on a day that I didn't have anything to do in the afternoon, but... think.