2nd Christmas

I know I've been absent.  I'm sorry.  I have notes.  Over the next week or so, I'll post what I have from the past month.

Today was a good day.  We had our family Christmas here today.   Years ago, my oldest grandson (who is now 19 years old) dubbed this family holiday, "2nd Christmas".  The title is perfect.

On Christmas day, I go to their houses to visit and enjoy part of Christmas day with each of them  (It's been several years since I've been invited to Greg's house). The Sunday after Christmas, they all come here to receive their gifts from me - and to enjoy each other for the day.

It's been at least five years since Greg's wife was here and at least three, since any of his children have been here.  There are many theories, rumors, and misconceptions about why, but there are no answers.  Many times, the truth is hard to find in this tangled mess.  I've given up trying.  At this point, it doesn't matter.

Today Greg's oldest (19 years old) and youngest (13 years old) sons came for 2nd Christmas.  The middle brother (17 years old) has been sick for two days - too sick to come.  He and I texted and he told me how disappointed he was that he couldn't be here.  I would have loved for him to be part of this year's family day.

Greg's wife was battling a broken heater and spent the day trying to patch together some kind of temporary heat until the furnace can be replaced on Wednesday.   We exchanged text messages and she told me how sorry she was that she couldn't come today.  I'm sorry for an additional crisis in their lives - and that she wasn't able to be here. 
 
 Anyway... I wanted to write about the positive and I'm starting to drift, so.... back to where I started.

It was wonderful to have Greg's sons in my home day.  The family closed up as if there had never been any holes. (At least it felt that way to me.  I hope it did for the boys.)

I feel so inadequate when it comes to talking to Greg's kids.  Do they want to talk about feelings?  Would they rather not?  I got the feeling from the oldest yesterday that he might want to talk if the opportunity presented itself.  I've been told how he feels - but not by him.  The only information that matters is what comes directly from him (or them). 

It's possible that I could help.  As Greg's mother, my perspective may be a kinder, gentler one.  I hope it might be a more healing one for them.  All I can do is wait - be available - follow their lead - and trust God to present (or not) the opportunities.

I don't want to tell them how to feel.  They are entitled to every feeling they are feeling.  I feel a wall between us.  Everyone is so careful.   There have been so many lies and half-truths passed around over the past few years, that trust is a major issue.  With all of the misinformation that they've been given in the past, the fact that they showed up today was incredibly brave of them.  I am praying that God will honor that courage. 

It's late. I feel quiet tonight - relieved this holiday season has come to an end.  Somehow we made it through.  I did a lot of leaning - and the support was there - every time. I am grateful. 

Stocking affirmation

Friday morning.

"Michael, I decided that I want Greg's stocking on the mantle with the rest of the stockings.  Is that okay?" 

"Whatever you want to do is okay.  I'll get the stocking out this morning." 

"Thanks, Michael.  I made a donation to Habitat for Humanity in Greg's name and I'm going to put the card in his stocking."

I feel better.  It feels like the right thing to do.

Before I know it, Brynn is here for her cookie baking day.  Chocolate chips today.  She's as cute as she can be.  Her energy and enthusiasm are catching. 

"Let's bake....... COOKIES!!!"

And so we do.  We bake cookies and more cookies and then... more cookies.  Finally, the cookies are finished and we head to the dining room to play a game.  (We love to play games!)

The mood is light, relaxed - easy.  We're laughing and talking and out of nowhere, the child who hasn't been able to say Greg's name for 6 months, asks, "Is Uncle Greg's stocking going to be on the mantle?"

"It is, Brynn.  How do you feel about that?"  I'm dreading her reaction - and surprised that this is on the radar of yet another child.  When Richard came to pick Kate up yesterday, he brought Brynn and Chase.  Michael told me later that Chase asked him if Greg's stocking would be on the fireplace.

"Uncle Greg will always be a member of our family, right?  Then his stocking should be there with the rest of the family.  Why wouldn't you put up his stocking?"

"I was afraid that it might make Uncle Greg's kids sad to see his stocking there."  (Sometimes I forget she's only 7 years old.  There is so much wisdom in her innocence.)

"I think it would make them happy to know that you didn't forget their daddy."

Sometimes she makes it so simple.

Michael found the stocking and put it in it's rightful place on the mantle.  He printed the Habitat for Humanity card for me and put it in Greg's stocking.  I cried - but I knew it was what I wanted to do.


***Added after our family Christmas on Sunday 12/31/17.

On Sunday morning, I was sitting in the rocking chair, in front of the fireplace.  Kate, Brynn and Bryce were running all over the house looking for hidden clues for their gifts.  Mason was opening a gift and Chase came over and stood in front of me.  Pointing up at the stockings, Chase asked...

"Grammie?," pointing to the stockings.  "Whose stocking is that with the 'G' on it?"

"That's Uncle Greg's stocking," I smiled at Chase.

Chase smiled back, and said, "Thanks, Grammie."

...and he was off to play with his new toys.

Stocking? No stocking?

This subject is a land mine - and everyone has an opinion.  I tend to worry about everyone's opinion but my own.  I'm concerned about causing pain whatever I decide to do.  As a result, nothing feels right to me.  Nothing. 

Greg's wife said that they did not put Greg's stocking up on Christmas day.   His kids felt it would be too painful.  Greg loved Christmas (a repeating message) and he loved stockings and all the clever things that stockings hold.  He was a GREAT stocking shopper - and great stocking opener!   His children felt that seeing Greg's empty stocking would just be too sad, so they did not put the stocking up. 

I understand.  But I'm not sure I'm ready to put Greg's stocking in a box forever.  And I know I'm not ready to throw it away.  And I know I don't want a sad, empty, ghost stocking on the mantle in the middle of all the other stockings. 

Right now the stockings are up.  Greg's is not there and I can't stand to look at the mantle.  I can't look without crying. 

Kate is here today to bake cookies - the second year of what we hope will be a long-standing tradition.  We're busy and having a great day.  She is so smart - and strong - and sweet!  I am constantly in awe of her.  

The state of the stocking doesn't damper our day at all, but after Kate leaves, it buzzes around my head like a gnat.  It's just... there.  I feel a need to make a decision.   

Decorating the tree at Greg's grave on Christmas Eve was heartbreakingly difficult.  I did it originally for Scott, because he was thoughtful enough to provide the tree and no one honored his effort.  I felt I needed to do that for him.  After the tree was decorated and we were at home and I had more time to think about it, I was very grateful for Scott's thoughtfulness.  Greg loved Christmas so much!  Honoring his love of Christmas with a tree (with lights) was the exact, right thing to do.  As intuitive as I usually am, Scott has an amazing way of knowing and understanding these things long before I get there.  We did it to honor Greg's love of life - his love of Christmas (and all things that light up and sparkle at Christmas).  We didn't do it for Greg to enjoy out there at the grave.  He isn't there. 

I decided that in the spirit of honoring Greg at Christmas, to make a donation in his name.   I don't know if I'll do the same thing next year.  I'm just putting one foot in front of the other this year - operating somewhere between autopilot and numb - with an occasional meltdown to tie it all together.

This year I made a donation to Habitat for Humanity in Greg's name.  Greg was a builder and a problem solver - champion of the underdog - a helper of the helpless.  It seemed right to make a donation to an organization who does so much for people in need.  They (Habitat for Humanity) sent me a card with the donation information - the purpose of the donation - and the information honoring Greg.  I decided to put the card in Greg's stocking and put the stocking on the mantle with everyone else's - and hope I don't cause anyone pain in the process. 

I don't know how it will affect Greg's kids.  I worry about Brynn, who hasn't been able to say Greg's name since he died.  What about Kate and Bryce?  What about the littlest ones?  Will they even notice?  How much do they understand?

I've made the decision.  I'm going with the stocking on the mantle.  I just wish I felt better about it. 

Christmas Eve

Scott bought a live Christmas tree (with lights) for the Greg's grave. He hoped that Greg's sons would put something on the tree, but that didn't work out.

Greg's wife said that she would never go to Greg's grave - that it was meaningless for her.  I guess that they've discussed it at home and that the boys feel the same way?  I don't know, but I'm pretty sure no one from that end of the family has been to the grave.  

I wasn't so sure I wanted to go at Christmas - maybe more sadness than I could stand.  But I wanted to honor Scott's remembrance of his brother. 

Scott took the tree to the cemetery around the middle of December and I hoped to get some ornaments and decorate the tree long before this, but I've been really sick - upper respiratory infection and not allowed outside in the cold.  Housebound. 

I'm a little better today and it's Christmas Eve and I'm out of time, so Michael and I took ornaments to the cemetery to decorate the tree for Greg and his father.  (They're buried next to each other).

I bought some small blue Christmas balls (blue was Greg's favorite color) and wrote on them with a silver marker  -  things that would be meaningful to Greg (like his #7 that he was SO obsessive about in high school) - or that would be meaningful for his father.   I also purchased some small traditional ornaments (an angel, a star, drummer boy, etc.) that I wanted to put on the tree - and one big brass jingle bell with a red ribbon. 

Michael took wire so that he could wire the ornaments on the tree to keep them from blowing away.   I can't possibly describe to you the sadness of being at my son's grave - any time - but especially Christmas Eve.   It was impossible - and yet, I was there.  Michael and I both cried the entire time we were there.

I don't think I'm a cemetery person.  I don't feel close to Greg at his grave.  I'm engulfed by a tidal wave of sadness as soon as I pull into the cemetery.  At Greg's grave, I feel like I'm drowning.  There is no comfort for me at Greg's grave.

As hard as it was to decorate the tree at Greg's grave on Christmas Eve, I'm grateful to Scott for the tree - for the remembrance of his brother.  Greg's grave is a memorial to his life - and so, even though I find no comfort there, I'm grateful that I was able to help Scott honor his brother at Christmas.  

 you remember
what his laugh sounded like?
Yes.
Do you remember
what he looked like catching a ball?
He never caught the ball in his life.
But I remember.
That's because when God
takes someone away from us...
He leaves what's most important
about that person with us.
Right here in our hearts.

Read more: https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/movie_script.php?movie=preachers-wife-th

I'm sorry
about your friend, Hakim.
What if I told you...
that he's not really gone?
Hakim?
Did he run away and come back?
- No, he never left.
- Yes, he did. I saw him go.
Well, you know, my mother...
once lost someone
who was very dear to her.
He wasn't as young as Hakim,
but he was...
too young, just the same.
And she would always do something
that seemed to make her feel better.
- You want to try it?
- Yeah.
All right, close your eyes.
Do you remember
playing in the snow with Hakim?
Do you remember
what his laugh sounded like?
Yes.
Do you remember
what he looked like catching a ball?
He never caught the ball in his life.
But I remember.
That's because when God
takes someone away from us...
He leaves what's most important
about that person with us.
Right here in our hearts.
Yeah, but I still miss him.
Well, she still misses him too.
Are you all right?
Maybe you should close your eyes.

Read more: https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/movie_script.php?movie=preachers-wife-the

Do you remember
what his laugh sounded like?
Yes.
Do you remember
what he looked like catching a ball?
He never caught the ball in his life.
But I remember.
That's because when God
takes someone away from us...
He leaves what's most important
about that person with us.
Right here in our hearts.

Read more: https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/movie_script.php?movie=preachers-wife-th 

This quote came from the movie, "The Preacher's Wife"...

"When God takes someone away from us... he leaves what's most important
about that person with us.  Right here in our hearts."

I can close my eyes and hear his laugh.  I remember his many kindnesses - his sense of humor - his love of music.  I can see him playing baseball - and football.  I can see him sitting outside on my porch, leaning against the stone wall of the house, holding hi son, Alex when he was a baby.

That's where I feel close to Greg - that's where Greg will always be alive for me - in the memories.

Greg is gone from this earth - but never gone from my heart.

I love you, Greg - forever and always.

Five months - the day after

Today I spent the day curled up in a ball on the couch - alternately sleeping and crying.  For the first time, the day after is worse than the day of.

I'm in need of God's mercy and grace to make it through this day.

Five Months

Five months today since Greg died. 

My "logical" self tried to prepare.  I know it's bad - every month.  I tried to prepare this time. 

I called a friend.  Remember my tomato friend, who brought me tomatoes (and love) last summer?  She's still around - still thoughtful - still kind.  I asked her if she had time for lunch.  Thankfully, she did. 

I picked her up at her house and we went out for pizza.  She asked if I would take her to visit Greg's grave.  (Where we decided to go for lunch was fairly close to the cemetery.)   I wasn't sure at first - had to take a couple minutes to think about it.  Could I do it?  Today?  On the 4th?  On the 5th month memorial of Greg's death?

I decided that I could go. 

I took my friend to the cemetery - unloaded my scooter - and we went to the grave.  I felt the same heavy heart - the same sadness pulling me under - the wave of grief that I always feel at Greg's grave. 

We stayed a few minutes and left.  I thought I was okay - not great - but okay.   (Some days, 'okay' is more than enough.)

I dropped my friend off at her house and I went home - and cried.

Will the 4th of the month be this painful forever?  I pray it won't.

Greg's grave marker

Scott sent me a text today to let me know that Greg's maker has been set.

We've been waiting for the marker to be set, but Scott is the one who goes to check.   I knew I couldn't go to Greg's grave before the marker was set.  I wondered if I would be able to go once it was.

When Scott sent me the text about the marker, I was on my way out the door to see Dr. Woowoo.

It's a beautiful day today - temperature in the low 60s - sunny - very little wind.   By the time I arrived at Woowoo's, I knew that as soon as my appointment was over, I would go to the cemetery.

I think the first time will be the hardest.  I know that I don't want to go to bed tonight, thinking about going to the cemetery tomorrow.  I want to get it over with - no matter the emotional cost.  I need to go today.

Woowoo suggested that I might not want to go alone, but there was no time to pick Michael up.  I left Woowoo's at 3:00.  The gates to the cemetery close at 4:15.  I had to go straight to the cemetery.

I drive through the huge, heavy, black, wrought iron gates of the cemetery and before I go fifty feet, I pull over and stop the car.  I have no idea where I am. Nothing looks familiar.  Am I at the right cemetery?  I am completely lost.

Greg is buried with his father, so this is not the first time I've been to this cemetery, but I feel like I'm in the wrong place - and I start to panic.  Where am I?  Is this the right place?  Why doesn't this look familiar?

At that moment, Scott calls and for a minute, I pretend that everything is fine.

Answering the phone,  "Scott's mom. May I help you?"   (My friendly, customer service greeting.  I'm the only one that thinks it's funny, but that doesn't stop me)

 "Hi Mom.  Where are you?"

"I decided to go to the cemetery today,  I just got here a few minutes ago.  I'm right inside the gate."

And then my voice breaks.  "I'm lost, Scott.  I don't know where I am.  Am I at the right cemetery?"

He talks to me for about 10 minutes - quietly - calmly - describing where the grave is.  "Look for the tree," he says.

Greg and his father are buried under a tree.  

Nothing he says makes any sense to me.  "Drive toward the circle, but don't go around the circle.  Before the road goes around the circle, look to your right.  You'll see the tree."

I can't move.

"How did you get there, Mom?  Which way did you decide to go from your doctor's?"

I'm calmer now - calm enough to know that this is the third time this has happened to me since Greg died.  Twice before I was driving and suddenly... I was lost.  I had no idea where I was. Nothing looked familiar.  I didn't even know what road I was on.  Everything else was okay - I was just completely disoriented.  Both of those times,  everything cleared up in a couple of minutes.  Maybe I can simply wait this one out, too.

And then there's a small clearing in my mind.  "I turned left from the main road and drove down to the second gate, which is where I am now.  I'm about 50 feet inside the second gate."

He goes over the directions again and I still don't understand, but I'm no longer panicked.  "I think I'm going to unload my scooter before I run out of time. I'll find the graves.  I'm okay."   (I really wasn't okay, but I knew I was close enough.)   "Thank you so much for calling when you did.  Your timing couldn't have been better.  I love you, Scott."

We hang up and I unload the scooter - still not knowing where I am, but feeling confident that if I just move forward, this confusion will pass.

I sit there on the scooter, behind the car for about 5 minutes and then start moving toward where I think the graves are.  (This is a HUGE cemetery)  Within 100 feet of the car, I know where I am - and I see the tree. 

I find Greg's grave - right next to his father - and the pain and heartbreak cut through the fog and I can't control the sobs.  My son.  My boy.  My sweet Greg.  Gone.  At this moment, life makes no sense at all to me - and has no purpose.  I wish there was a hole for me.

The man who locks the gate at dusk interrupts my grief to tell me that I have to go.  It's time to lock the gates.

As I head back to my car, I'm grateful for the interruption - and that the cemetery locks their gates at dusk.  If they didn't, I don't know if I'd be able to leave.

I load my scooter into the back of my van, move my oxygen machine to the back seat of the car and plug it in.  As I climb into the driver's seat, I try to be present.  I try not to live in "10 minutes ago" - or in tomorrow.  Think about now.  Think about turning around and going through the gate.  One step at a time.  One minute at a time.  

I call Michael and tell him that I'm on my way home.  That's all I can tell him.  He doesn't ask any questions.  He just tells me he'll be glad to see me.  He reminds me to let him know when I get home so that he can help with the oxygen.  I am grateful. 

It was impossibly hard to see my son's grave, but in retrospect, it was comforting that Greg and his father are buried together.  Neither grave was a lone grave.  They have each other.  I'm not sure exactly why that was comforting, but it was.

If I had to go (and I did), I'm glad I went today.  I was sure the first time would be the hardest, but whether I go ten more times or a thousand more times - how could it possibly get any easier to look down on my son's grave?

I miss him a thousand times a day.