Today, Greg's death doesn't seem real. I check my phone to see if he called or texted. (He didn't) Why is it necessary to face reality? I've never been great at reality anyway. I've always tried to find my own reality. Maybe Reality is way overrated.
"Feel the pain so that you can heal." Really? What does 'healing' mean, anyway? How do you know you're healed? Does healing change Reality? (There's that dreaded Reality again) "If you don't feel the pain now, you'll just take longer to heal." What does that mean?
'Healing' is a carrot dangling in front of me that I'll never be able to reach - at least that's how it feels. Maybe there is no such thing - at least not in my lifetime.
I look at pictures of Greg and I can't make myself believe that he will never look older - there will never be any new pictures. I can't bear the thought. I saved his voicemail message so that I could hear his voice, but today I'm not able to listen. Hearing his voice today would take me out of life for the next two days (at least).
Currently the weekends are busy - my 12-year-old grandson had a football game today. Both of my granddaughters (ages 7 and 10) have soccer games tomorrow. Love those grandkids. They are my blue sky.
I'm doing what I need to do. I get up every morning - shower - wash my hair - get dressed. Every day. Every day. My online shops are open - I'm filling orders - answering emails (for the most part). I'm putting one foot in front of the other, but I have to say there are many days...
... I wonder why.
"Feel the pain so that you can heal." Really? What does 'healing' mean, anyway? How do you know you're healed? Does healing change Reality? (There's that dreaded Reality again) "If you don't feel the pain now, you'll just take longer to heal." What does that mean?
'Healing' is a carrot dangling in front of me that I'll never be able to reach - at least that's how it feels. Maybe there is no such thing - at least not in my lifetime.
I look at pictures of Greg and I can't make myself believe that he will never look older - there will never be any new pictures. I can't bear the thought. I saved his voicemail message so that I could hear his voice, but today I'm not able to listen. Hearing his voice today would take me out of life for the next two days (at least).
Currently the weekends are busy - my 12-year-old grandson had a football game today. Both of my granddaughters (ages 7 and 10) have soccer games tomorrow. Love those grandkids. They are my blue sky.
I'm doing what I need to do. I get up every morning - shower - wash my hair - get dressed. Every day. Every day. My online shops are open - I'm filling orders - answering emails (for the most part). I'm putting one foot in front of the other, but I have to say there are many days...
... I wonder why.
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