Life happens in spite of loss. Even days that I'd like to stop the earth from turning (like today), life keeps on happening.
I made it to 5-year-old football this morning at 9:00am. At the game, my oldest son offered Michael and me tickets to the Phillies game tonight - great seats - second level. Can I go? Am I able to go to a baseball game with - mobility scooter - oxygen? I don't know. It's been years since I've gone to a Phillies game. It was hard then. My health is worse now than it was then (although I refuse to quantify how much worse).
Next today is a 12-year-old football at 3:00pm. If we leave a little early from the football game, we can make the baseball game, also. Too much? I guess we'll find out. We're going to try.
To complicate things even more, Michael's daughter is flying in tonight from Texas, so we'll leave the baseball game early and pick Chelsea up at 10:15 at the airport.
Grieving takes energy - not just the first week - or month. Obviously, the autoimmune disease takes energy - and the oxygen deficits throughout the day add up to more energy loss. This day is going to take everything I've got - and there will most definitely be a cost. I keep pushing.
I don't really "feel" like doing any of it. I don't want to go anywhere - do anything - see anyone. It would be too easy to bury myself in the Sad - all day - every day - but I'm afraid that if I give in to that, I'll never crawl out of the hole.
I've been crying a lot for the past couple days. The pain seems to be getting worse. There are days I think I won't make it through to the next day. I've been pushing overwhelming sadness back for two days, allowing only what I can handle. I always walk a narrow line knowing that pain and grieving act as a trigger for the autoimmune disease (combination of lupus and rheumatoid arthritis) - and on the other side, if I don't face the pain, it will come back to get me later. There are no good answers.
I'm trying to take things as they come - not think too far ahead - not make too many plans. When opportunities to live life present themselves, I try to take those opportunities (if I'm able).
Tomorrow, I may have an entirely different perspective, but for today, I'm going with "live life" - even when I don't feel like it.
I made it to 5-year-old football this morning at 9:00am. At the game, my oldest son offered Michael and me tickets to the Phillies game tonight - great seats - second level. Can I go? Am I able to go to a baseball game with - mobility scooter - oxygen? I don't know. It's been years since I've gone to a Phillies game. It was hard then. My health is worse now than it was then (although I refuse to quantify how much worse).
Next today is a 12-year-old football at 3:00pm. If we leave a little early from the football game, we can make the baseball game, also. Too much? I guess we'll find out. We're going to try.
To complicate things even more, Michael's daughter is flying in tonight from Texas, so we'll leave the baseball game early and pick Chelsea up at 10:15 at the airport.
Grieving takes energy - not just the first week - or month. Obviously, the autoimmune disease takes energy - and the oxygen deficits throughout the day add up to more energy loss. This day is going to take everything I've got - and there will most definitely be a cost. I keep pushing.
I don't really "feel" like doing any of it. I don't want to go anywhere - do anything - see anyone. It would be too easy to bury myself in the Sad - all day - every day - but I'm afraid that if I give in to that, I'll never crawl out of the hole.
I've been crying a lot for the past couple days. The pain seems to be getting worse. There are days I think I won't make it through to the next day. I've been pushing overwhelming sadness back for two days, allowing only what I can handle. I always walk a narrow line knowing that pain and grieving act as a trigger for the autoimmune disease (combination of lupus and rheumatoid arthritis) - and on the other side, if I don't face the pain, it will come back to get me later. There are no good answers.
I'm trying to take things as they come - not think too far ahead - not make too many plans. When opportunities to live life present themselves, I try to take those opportunities (if I'm able).
Tomorrow, I may have an entirely different perspective, but for today, I'm going with "live life" - even when I don't feel like it.
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