Tender Heart

His name was Rich B.  It was August and he was approaching his senior in high school.  Due to problems at home, he suddenly and unexpectedly found himself in need of a place to live.

I knew this because Greg came home from football practice one hot August afternoon and told me.  Greg had a plan.

A crack in the darkness

For over a month, I've been flattened by grief - living through the first Christmas without Greg, with all of the sorrow and despair of missing him - while at the same time, buying presents, making lists and elbowing my way through the myriad of busyness that accompanies the holidays - determined not to fold, not to crumble.

The closer it got to our Second Christmas, the closer I got to falling apart.  Stubborn determination can only carry you so far.

Seven Months

Today is Kate's birthday.  She's eleven today.  We had a family breakfast at a local diner to celebrate her day.

I had to wake up early - get dressed - and show up.  A challenge on my best day.  This was not my best day.

Regrets

Long night - nightmares - flashbacks of the worst days of the past few years with Greg - all carry over into and throughout the day.

I do believe I did the best I knew how to do - but it wasn't good enough.   There are so many things I did that I could have done better.  I caused pain when I wanted to give love - caused hurt when I wanted to heal.  If I could go back and do things differently, would it change anything?  I don't know.  Maybe.  But I doubt it.

Helpful Solutions

Greg was great at finding solutions for problems that I hadn't even recognized as problems - yet.  He was always making unsolicited changes to my house.  He couldn't see a solvable problem - and not solve it.  Just couldn't.  Here are a few...

Six months

Today marks the first six months - of forever.

No escape

 Nothing is simple. 

The past month has been a combination of plowing through, looking forward, and periods of unbearable sadness and grief.  Autopilot.  Numbness.  Despair.

I did a lousy job of  "Christmas" this year.  I'm usually thoughtful - give thoughtful gifts.  Not so much this year.   I did 'okay' but not great.  Christmas is huge for me.  I get enormous pleasure from creating our family's 2nd Christmas celebration - and all the planning that goes into it.   My spreadsheets have spreadsheets.