Regrets

Long night - nightmares - flashbacks of the worst days of the past few years with Greg - all carry over into and throughout the day.

I do believe I did the best I knew how to do - but it wasn't good enough.   There are so many things I did that I could have done better.  I caused pain when I wanted to give love - caused hurt when I wanted to heal.  If I could go back and do things differently, would it change anything?  I don't know.  Maybe.  But I doubt it.

Helpful Solutions

Greg was great at finding solutions for problems that I hadn't even recognized as problems - yet.  He was always making unsolicited changes to my house.  He couldn't see a solvable problem - and not solve it.  Just couldn't.  Here are a few...

Six months

Today marks the first six months - of forever.

No escape

 Nothing is simple. 

The past month has been a combination of plowing through, looking forward, and periods of unbearable sadness and grief.  Autopilot.  Numbness.  Despair.

I did a lousy job of  "Christmas" this year.  I'm usually thoughtful - give thoughtful gifts.  Not so much this year.   I did 'okay' but not great.  Christmas is huge for me.  I get enormous pleasure from creating our family's 2nd Christmas celebration - and all the planning that goes into it.   My spreadsheets have spreadsheets.

2nd Christmas

I know I've been absent.  I'm sorry.  I have notes.  Over the next week or so, I'll post what I have from the past month.

Today was a good day.  We had our family Christmas here today.   Years ago, my oldest grandson (who is now 19 years old) dubbed this family holiday, "2nd Christmas".  The title is perfect.

On Christmas day, I go to their houses to visit and enjoy part of Christmas day with each of them  (It's been several years since I've been invited to Greg's house). The Sunday after Christmas, they all come here to receive their gifts from me - and to enjoy each other for the day.

It's been at least five years since Greg's wife was here and at least three, since any of his children have been here.  There are many theories, rumors, and misconceptions about why, but there are no answers.  Many times, the truth is hard to find in this tangled mess.  I've given up trying.  At this point, it doesn't matter.

Today Greg's oldest (19 years old) and youngest (13 years old) sons came for 2nd Christmas.  The middle brother (17 years old) has been sick for two days - too sick to come.  He and I texted and he told me how disappointed he was that he couldn't be here.  I would have loved for him to be part of this year's family day.

Greg's wife was battling a broken heater and spent the day trying to patch together some kind of temporary heat until the furnace can be replaced on Wednesday.   We exchanged text messages and she told me how sorry she was that she couldn't come today.  I'm sorry for an additional crisis in their lives - and that she wasn't able to be here. 
 
 Anyway... I wanted to write about the positive and I'm starting to drift, so.... back to where I started.

It was wonderful to have Greg's sons in my home day.  The family closed up as if there had never been any holes. (At least it felt that way to me.  I hope it did for the boys.)

I feel so inadequate when it comes to talking to Greg's kids.  Do they want to talk about feelings?  Would they rather not?  I got the feeling from the oldest yesterday that he might want to talk if the opportunity presented itself.  I've been told how he feels - but not by him.  The only information that matters is what comes directly from him (or them). 

It's possible that I could help.  As Greg's mother, my perspective may be a kinder, gentler one.  I hope it might be a more healing one for them.  All I can do is wait - be available - follow their lead - and trust God to present (or not) the opportunities.

I don't want to tell them how to feel.  They are entitled to every feeling they are feeling.  I feel a wall between us.  Everyone is so careful.   There have been so many lies and half-truths passed around over the past few years, that trust is a major issue.  With all of the misinformation that they've been given in the past, the fact that they showed up today was incredibly brave of them.  I am praying that God will honor that courage. 

It's late. I feel quiet tonight - relieved this holiday season has come to an end.  Somehow we made it through.  I did a lot of leaning - and the support was there - every time. I am grateful. 

Stocking affirmation

Friday morning.

"Michael, I decided that I want Greg's stocking on the mantle with the rest of the stockings.  Is that okay?" 

"Whatever you want to do is okay.  I'll get the stocking out this morning." 

"Thanks, Michael.  I made a donation to Habitat for Humanity in Greg's name and I'm going to put the card in his stocking."

I feel better.  It feels like the right thing to do.

Before I know it, Brynn is here for her cookie baking day.  Chocolate chips today.  She's as cute as she can be.  Her energy and enthusiasm are catching. 

"Let's bake....... COOKIES!!!"

And so we do.  We bake cookies and more cookies and then... more cookies.  Finally, the cookies are finished and we head to the dining room to play a game.  (We love to play games!)

The mood is light, relaxed - easy.  We're laughing and talking and out of nowhere, the child who hasn't been able to say Greg's name for 6 months, asks, "Is Uncle Greg's stocking going to be on the mantle?"

"It is, Brynn.  How do you feel about that?"  I'm dreading her reaction - and surprised that this is on the radar of yet another child.  When Richard came to pick Kate up yesterday, he brought Brynn and Chase.  Michael told me later that Chase asked him if Greg's stocking would be on the fireplace.

"Uncle Greg will always be a member of our family, right?  Then his stocking should be there with the rest of the family.  Why wouldn't you put up his stocking?"

"I was afraid that it might make Uncle Greg's kids sad to see his stocking there."  (Sometimes I forget she's only 7 years old.  There is so much wisdom in her innocence.)

"I think it would make them happy to know that you didn't forget their daddy."

Sometimes she makes it so simple.

Michael found the stocking and put it in it's rightful place on the mantle.  He printed the Habitat for Humanity card for me and put it in Greg's stocking.  I cried - but I knew it was what I wanted to do.


***Added after our family Christmas on Sunday 12/31/17.

On Sunday morning, I was sitting in the rocking chair, in front of the fireplace.  Kate, Brynn and Bryce were running all over the house looking for hidden clues for their gifts.  Mason was opening a gift and Chase came over and stood in front of me.  Pointing up at the stockings, Chase asked...

"Grammie?," pointing to the stockings.  "Whose stocking is that with the 'G' on it?"

"That's Uncle Greg's stocking," I smiled at Chase.

Chase smiled back, and said, "Thanks, Grammie."

...and he was off to play with his new toys.

Stocking? No stocking?

This subject is a land mine - and everyone has an opinion.  I tend to worry about everyone's opinion but my own.  I'm concerned about causing pain whatever I decide to do.  As a result, nothing feels right to me.  Nothing. 

Greg's wife said that they did not put Greg's stocking up on Christmas day.   His kids felt it would be too painful.  Greg loved Christmas (a repeating message) and he loved stockings and all the clever things that stockings hold.  He was a GREAT stocking shopper - and great stocking opener!   His children felt that seeing Greg's empty stocking would just be too sad, so they did not put the stocking up. 

I understand.  But I'm not sure I'm ready to put Greg's stocking in a box forever.  And I know I'm not ready to throw it away.  And I know I don't want a sad, empty, ghost stocking on the mantle in the middle of all the other stockings. 

Right now the stockings are up.  Greg's is not there and I can't stand to look at the mantle.  I can't look without crying. 

Kate is here today to bake cookies - the second year of what we hope will be a long-standing tradition.  We're busy and having a great day.  She is so smart - and strong - and sweet!  I am constantly in awe of her.  

The state of the stocking doesn't damper our day at all, but after Kate leaves, it buzzes around my head like a gnat.  It's just... there.  I feel a need to make a decision.   

Decorating the tree at Greg's grave on Christmas Eve was heartbreakingly difficult.  I did it originally for Scott, because he was thoughtful enough to provide the tree and no one honored his effort.  I felt I needed to do that for him.  After the tree was decorated and we were at home and I had more time to think about it, I was very grateful for Scott's thoughtfulness.  Greg loved Christmas so much!  Honoring his love of Christmas with a tree (with lights) was the exact, right thing to do.  As intuitive as I usually am, Scott has an amazing way of knowing and understanding these things long before I get there.  We did it to honor Greg's love of life - his love of Christmas (and all things that light up and sparkle at Christmas).  We didn't do it for Greg to enjoy out there at the grave.  He isn't there. 

I decided that in the spirit of honoring Greg at Christmas, to make a donation in his name.   I don't know if I'll do the same thing next year.  I'm just putting one foot in front of the other this year - operating somewhere between autopilot and numb - with an occasional meltdown to tie it all together.

This year I made a donation to Habitat for Humanity in Greg's name.  Greg was a builder and a problem solver - champion of the underdog - a helper of the helpless.  It seemed right to make a donation to an organization who does so much for people in need.  They (Habitat for Humanity) sent me a card with the donation information - the purpose of the donation - and the information honoring Greg.  I decided to put the card in Greg's stocking and put the stocking on the mantle with everyone else's - and hope I don't cause anyone pain in the process. 

I don't know how it will affect Greg's kids.  I worry about Brynn, who hasn't been able to say Greg's name since he died.  What about Kate and Bryce?  What about the littlest ones?  Will they even notice?  How much do they understand?

I've made the decision.  I'm going with the stocking on the mantle.  I just wish I felt better about it.