Grave marker

Today, Richard, Scott, and I made arrangements for a grave marker for Greg.  According to Richard and Scott, Greg was very opinionated about his father's grave marker, so we had a pretty good idea of what he wanted.

The plan was for the three of us to meet at the cemetery.  I knew it would be hard, but I counted on Richard and Scott to get me through in one piece.  I drove out by myself - thought it would be horribly sad, but that I'd be okay.


I was early and arrived first.  It was the worst thing I could have done.  The reality that I was burying my sweet son, hit me like a wave and took me under.  I spent the next 10 minutes before Scott arrived, trying not to leave - trying not to throw myself out of the car and onto the ground - trying to regain control of my mind and body.

I'm on oxygen 24/7 and the portable oxygen I had with me was not sufficient to maintain the oxygen level in my blood.  The levels read 96 --> 94 --> 90 --> 86 --> 80 --> 76 --> 72 --> 67 -->  I couldn't stop it. I tried to breathe deeply - couldn't.  I was dizzy - lightheaded.  I hoped I wouldn't pass out.  Eventually, I found my breath, somewhat cleared my head, and stopped shaking.  I couldn't stop crying.

Scott came.  Richard came and we went inside.  I grabbed a bunch of tissues and put them in my oxygen bag.  Deep breath.  I wasn't sure I was going to be able to do it, but I wanted to try.

Immediately, memories of my mother's death and the bizarre trip to the funeral home with my father and brother came to mind.  The man at the funeral home used every manipulation to sell a more expensive casket than we wanted - a blue chiffon dress that he was SURE would look beautiful on my mother (who lived her life in white pants, a printed top, and black and white spectator pumps).  It felt like watching a bad movie - so much so that there was no room for sadness that day.  The lack of sensitivity, lack of humanity, and the focus on sales, almost made me laugh.

Today was not as bad, but the woman who helped us was cold.  This was strictly business.  She took any emotion out of the task - which, for me, was a relief.

Richard and Scott were great - made most of the decisions. I tried to help, but I wasn't much help. Task completed - deposit left.

Richard went back to work.  Scott went home to mow the yard and I drove home.  I went the back way - didn't want to be on the highway crying so hard.  I stopped twice because I couldn't see through the tears.  What foolishness to think I could go alone. Where was my head?

If you are in this position - or anything close - don't go alone - don't be early.  Do what you need to do to take care of yourself.