Antique Tricycle

Something lighter today...

Greg came to the house one day with a replica of an antique tricycle made out of steel.  I did my usual ooooooo's and ahhhhhhhh's that always seemed to accompany any new treasure from Greg. He knew me so well and we loved the same things.

Conflicts

In writing this down, there are things I don't know how to record - or even if I should.

There are feelings about people - interactions with people - that I'm not writing down.  It feels less than honest - only tells half of the story, but I'm not sure honesty is worth the cost - to friends - to family - to me.

Help or not?

So sad today.  Nothing makes sense to me.  I - especially don't make sense to me.  I don't know who I am.  I'm looking for the bread crumbs that mark the path out of this, but they've been eaten by the birds.  Do traditional "helps" really help?

Shackles

Greg sent this video to me one day and that night he talked to me about the video.  He said there were times that he made it through the day only because of this video.

Today I am grateful that Greg's shackles are gone - and that he can dance - finally.

Soccer Sunday

It's soccer season for the girls.  Richard texted last night to let me know that both girls had soccer tournaments today - in separate locations.

My first reaction was that I didn't want to go.  This was a too-busy week and I was looking forward to a Sunday of nothing - no pressure - no expectations.  BUT... I really do love to watch them play.

It depends

I'm trying.  I really am.  Trying to... what? Be normal?  What's normal for this?

My grandson had his first football game of the season today, so I was happy to go watch him.  He loves to play and I love to be one of his biggest fans.  It's a fit.

Another busy day

Today I went with my "tomato friend" to meet her parents and friends of ours who live in an assisted living facility (is that the right name?) for lunch.  The facility is about an hour and a half from us - beautiful ride - gorgeous day - great company.

Thursday is Chase day

Long day, but a good one.

I was sitting on the front porch this morning when Richard came to drop Chase off at my house.  He got out of the car, running toward me, his arms wide open.  I especially love that first hug.  I reached out and pulled him onto my lap, held him close and whispered in his ear how much I love him, how special he is to me, and how happy I am that he came to visit.  Chase's hugs are long and lingering.  He melts me.

Waiting

I'm waiting for a day without tears - don't know if that day will ever come, so I'll try to live my life in the spaces between the tears and hope that the people who have been so kind to me won't lose patience with me too quickly.

No horror stories

I originally started this journal (I don't think of it as a blog) about a year ago, after a disturbing night with Greg's drug use.  I chose the quote in the title, because I was hoping desperately that Greg could get the help he needed and live the life he deserved.  Obviously, that's not what happened.

My intent was to record all of the events on Greg's way to sobriety and happiness - and possibly it might help someone else's mother to hang on through their child's journey through drugs to a good life.

Child Rental - Postscript

Brynn and I had some very serious talks yesterday, but that was not the tenor of the day.

We laughed.  We played Animal Rummy and Dutch Blitz.  We made jewelry.  We baked cookies and Brynn made us lunch. She went to "Cake Camp" this summer and discovered a love for cooking and baking. 

Child rental

Today is what Richard's kids call a 'Grammie Day' - a one-on-one day with me.  Since my energy does have it's limits, I find that having each child by themselves works better for me (and them) than having them all together.  Is there anyone who couldn't stand a day of focused love - and the undivided attention of someone who thinks they are the warmth of the sun?  (And I do feel that way about each one)

High five

My house was built in 1952.  1952 was a great year for knotty pine - and my house did not escape.  The kitchen in knotty pine, the main bathroom WAS knotty pine, the den/TV room is completely knotty pine - floor to ceiling.  It's not paneling... it's the tongue and groove heavy duty knotty pine.

Lost and found

Today was Beadfest.  Beadfest is essentially a national jewelry trade show that comes once a year to the Philadelphia area - the largest of its kind.  We have several vendors that we deal with who come to Beadfest every year and we love to go see them.   We can pick up an order (saves shipping) and see what they have that's new and interesting - and catch up with the ones who have become friends. It's usually a fun day.

The non-reclining recliner

When Greg started spending so much time at my house, I bought him a chair.  He often talked about how he wanted, but could never find, a chair that reclined, but that you could still keep your feet on the floor.  I found one - kind of - on Overstock and I had enough credits from over the years that I was able to get the chair at no cost other than the reward points I had accumulated. 

For a moment

My faith has always been strong.  I don't question God - never have - hope I never will.  I surely don't understand all of this, but I'm not questioning God (at least not in words - spoken or thought).

People give me Bible verses about God's love - how he will hold me up - comfort me - and more. Most of the time I don't see it.  I feel alone and abandoned.

No thanks - but thanks

In August, before Greg's junior year in high school (and his older brother's senior year), Greg came home from football practice and told me that there was a kid on his football team who was having problems at home and needed a place to live.  After hearing the details of the problems, I was pretty sure I didn't want to be involved.  But Greg wouldn't let it go, so I called the Principal of the high school to see what he knew about this young man.  The principle told me that Rich (let's call him Rich) was an exceptional child - athlete - good student - someone we would be glad we had in our home.  Greg had it exactly right... after speaking with Rich's mother and grandparents, we invited him to come and stay with us.  That meant that we had two high school seniors, one high school junior, and our youngest, who was ten - all living in a house that was less than 1,000 square feet before we closed in the garage  - three bedrooms - 1 bathroom.

Blackness

The past couple days have been black.  In spite of how it appears, I'm trying.  Unicorns and rainbows don't do it for me.  I'm way past that.

I've always considered myself pretty brave. but I don't have the courage for this.

Can't

Not today.

One foot in front of the other

Today is a slow-moving, one-foot-in-front-of-the-other, kind of day.  My mind is slow and dull - and my body hurts.

Michael took two of my guitars in to be restrung.  (Part of me wonders why I wanted that done)  He unloaded my scooter and I got to go in and see the guitar tech (who is also a friend) - worth the trip.

Scattered thoughts

Medical tests all morning.  This time it's Michael's turn.   Lately it seems like this is all we do.  Surely there must be something else for old people to do than visit doctor's offices and hospitals.  Surely.

My therapist had a suggestion.  She suggested that maybe a support group - like 'Compassionate Friends' might be helpful.  I'm not sure I'm ready (or if I'll ever be).   There is some interesting information on their website - affirming.  I found "me" on this page several times: For the newly bereaved.  In the end, though, isn't that all just a big "so what"?

Putting in time

Yesterday was an energy depletion - both physically and emotionally - which means I'm starting off behind today.  There have been a lot of those days lately.

Penn Lung Center

Wednesday

This morning we left right after 8:30 for a 10:00am appointment at the University of Pennsylvania Lung Center.  I made the appointment about four months ago, so there was no canceling.  I had to go.

It took over an hour and a half to travel what should have taken about 30 minutes - BUT we got to enjoy the morning traffic on the westbound Schuylkill Expressway.  Thankfully, it was a pretty day - a great day for sitting on the Schuylkill.  :-)

Senseless

Tuesday

Better today, but not much.

If Greg died of cancer, he would still be gone.  But to hang himself?  What a senseless, useless death.  For someone who showed kindness every day -  who sometimes got paid with old cars or useless junk because he helped someone with no money - who was capable of more compassion - more empathy - more forgiveness than anyone I've ever known - what a sorrowful, desperate way to die.

Bracelets

Another day in the pits and I just can't write that again today.  Instead, I'll tell you about Greg's bracelets.

I think I've mentioned that I make bracelets.  If not... I make bracelets.  Currently, they're mainly leather bracelets.

The longest weekend

I am hollow.

I can barely hold my head up this weekend. I can't think.  My brain is a sieve.  Thoughts fall apart and fall through.

Maybe it's because Greg's garage and workshop are being dismantled this weekend- his things separated into piles for disposal.  I know it has to happen, but I hate the thought of it.

Lean in - but not too far

 I woke up tired, this morning - not a regular tired - an emotional tired.   I'm learning that when this feeling comes, I need to just lean into it.  It usually means that I've been pushing down the feelings and they're coming to get me.

If I don't pay attention - if I don't lean in - it will come harder tomorrow - and that frightens me.

A friend in need...

...needs a friend, indeed.  (my own twist)

Sometimes out of the worst of things, something wonderful happens.

After Greg died, I heard from an old friend (Let's call her Carol).  I met Carol over 30 years ago at church and loved her immediately.  We both had families.  Life gets busy.  And the years disappear.

One month

One month today since Greg died.
It feels like a minute.
It feels like forever.
It doesn't feel like a month. 

Check

Haircut this morning - didn't feel like going - almost canceled, but that empty hour is no income for a person who was counting on that income, so I went.

I heard from them the week after Greg died.  They know.  What will they say?  How will I react?  I sure don't want to spend an hour crying in a hair salon.  I should have canceled early in the week.  I might have - if I could have seen that far ahead, but I couldn't think about Thursday on Monday.  It's hard to imagine I ever did.

Have a Little Faith in Me

... and another one

I always saw this song in the context of "romance", but today it's the love of a mother for a son - that unconditional love that says... I love you... you can tell me... I'll love you no matter what... you can do this... have a little faith.

I am the weather

I'm angry today - unkind - ungrateful - judgemental - uncaring - unforgiving - impatient - ungracious - insensitive - all the things I hate.  I see each one in me today.  This is not who I want to be.

Mason therapy

Tuesday

Sporadic sleep last night - alternating short periods of sleep and short periods of wakefulness.  I think I was asleep more than I was awake, so that's a good thing.  I'll take it.

Hole in the World

Tuesday

Richard said he finds that song lyrics mean something different too him now.  The words take on a different meaning.  I find the same thing.  Parts of songs jump out at me and I hear them differently than I ever did before.