Blackness

The past couple days have been black.  In spite of how it appears, I'm trying.  Unicorns and rainbows don't do it for me.  I'm way past that.

I've always considered myself pretty brave. but I don't have the courage for this.


Someone who hasn't been through the death of a child can't possibly understand what the death of a child does to you - especially when that adult child took his own life so violently.

Six weeks after Greg's death, I find there are people who expect me to just... get on with it.  Oh!  How I'd love to get on with it.

I heard Charles Swindoll say something once - I think the quote was from Bishop Sheen - about the three surprises in heaven:

"The first surprise: We will be surprised to see that many people we expected to be in Heaven are not there.

The second surprise:  We will be surprised to see that people we never expected to be in Heaven are there

The third surprise:  We will be surprised to see that we are in Heaven."

All of that is beyond me right now. 

What I'm finding similar to that is:

1.  People who I thought I could count on in hard times - are nowhere to be found.

2.  People who I never expected to be so kind and caring - and faithful - are more supportive than I could imagine.

3.  My child is dead and I am in unbearable pain.