My faith has always been strong. I don't question God - never have - hope I never will. I surely don't understand all of this, but I'm not questioning God (at least not in words - spoken or thought).
People give me Bible verses about God's love - how he will hold me up - comfort me - and more. Most of the time I don't see it. I feel alone and abandoned.
I'm not able to pray - can't consciously seek God - maybe because I'm afraid - maybe because I'm angry? I really don't know. I'm not that in touch - or maybe I should say I'm not looking very hard at those feelings.
I believe in God - and Heaven - and that Greg is at peace. I believe that Greg accepted Christ as his savior. Several people have confirmed that. There were days that Greg told me that the only way he made it through the day was his belief in God - and believing that God was there. I believe that God loves Greg - that he didn't want him to suffer any more - that Greg is safe with God - at rest.
But do I believe that God loves me? Not so much. I don't speak to God because I don't think he cares to hear from me. I don't hear God, because I don't think he has anything to say to me. (Please accept what I feel without reciting verses to show me that I don't feel - what I say I feel.)
I feel like God has me on "ignore" - except for every now and then...
... when someone brings me tomatoes because she was thinking about me
... when someone I love decides to visit (whether I think I can handle it or not)
... when I see one of my grandchildren
In that moment, I know God exists - for that moment.
People give me Bible verses about God's love - how he will hold me up - comfort me - and more. Most of the time I don't see it. I feel alone and abandoned.
I'm not able to pray - can't consciously seek God - maybe because I'm afraid - maybe because I'm angry? I really don't know. I'm not that in touch - or maybe I should say I'm not looking very hard at those feelings.
I believe in God - and Heaven - and that Greg is at peace. I believe that Greg accepted Christ as his savior. Several people have confirmed that. There were days that Greg told me that the only way he made it through the day was his belief in God - and believing that God was there. I believe that God loves Greg - that he didn't want him to suffer any more - that Greg is safe with God - at rest.
But do I believe that God loves me? Not so much. I don't speak to God because I don't think he cares to hear from me. I don't hear God, because I don't think he has anything to say to me. (Please accept what I feel without reciting verses to show me that I don't feel - what I say I feel.)
I feel like God has me on "ignore" - except for every now and then...
... when someone brings me tomatoes because she was thinking about me
... when someone I love decides to visit (whether I think I can handle it or not)
... when I see one of my grandchildren
In that moment, I know God exists - for that moment.
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