Conflicts

In writing this down, there are things I don't know how to record - or even if I should.

There are feelings about people - interactions with people - that I'm not writing down.  It feels less than honest - only tells half of the story, but I'm not sure honesty is worth the cost - to friends - to family - to me.


I find that my perception of things changes.  I may interpret something completely differently this Wednesday than I did last Wednesday.

I don't want to record a "truth" today, that I may find out three days from now is not true - or that doesn't have enough substance to matter. 

I could record my absolutely honest feelings and experiences - without edit, but I can't bear the thought of causing unnecessary and unwarranted pain because of where I happen to be emotionally (and mentally) on that particular day.  The thought that someone I love could be hurt by something written here is just not acceptable to me. 

Words said in anger - or hurt - or due to lack of sleep - or a million other things that surround me now - are impossible to take back - to unsay.

So what do I do?  From a journalistic perspective, honesty rules - damn the fallout.  From the perspective of who I am in the deepest part of me, people matter more.  Love trumps hurt (perceived or real).

So is there any value in this?  Maybe not.  Maybe I should just drop it.  If it's not a complete or total representation of the first two months after the death of my son, what value does it have?

I'm questioning the legitimacy and purpose of all this.