I woke up tired, this morning - not a regular tired - an emotional tired. I'm learning that when this feeling comes, I need to just lean into it. It usually means that I've been pushing down the feelings and they're coming to get me.
If I don't pay attention - if I don't lean in - it will come harder tomorrow - and that frightens me.
Got up - did the morning routine thing - read a little and then Michael and I (as promised) provided breakfast and airport shuttle duty to a friend of Michael's daughter. If I hadn't promised, I'd have canceled.
Michael's daughter (Chelsea) called us on our way home and we talked the whole way home and into the garage - until I started falling asleep, sitting in the garage.
"I'm falling asleep, Chelsea. Gotta go. I love you. Call you tomorrow."
I made it to the couch, fell asleep almost instantly and slept for an hour. I'm a 20 minute napper. You could set a timer for 21 minutes and I'd wake up and turn it off - every time. 20 minutes - but not today.
I wake up and still feel like I've been hit in the heart with a baseball bat.
Maybe today is hard because I know Richard and Scott are at Amy's house (I hate that Greg's name is no longer mentioned in the context of their home) all day, cleaning out Greg's garage and workshop. They'll have some help, but it's a huge job - and a sad job.
At the same time, they'll have to be conscious of Greg's sons (I don't know if I've said before, but they are 19, almost 17, and almost 13) - honor what they do and don't want to go through - try to keep things moving without pushing them. It's a balancing act - one I don't think I could manage.
Richard and Scott both called on their way home tonight. It was so good to hear each of them - more helpful than I would have imagined. I'm incredibly impressed with their resolve to "do the right thing" (as Scott says) - whether it feels good or not - whether they're appreciated or not. I'd like to think they're doing it for Greg.
I think about the pain that Greg felt - the pain that we all felt once we began to understand - how angry his brothers have been - how angry (and confused) his children have been. One thought leads to another thought and can lead down that spiral path into the abyss. Not tonight.
Nighttime is the worst - the most vulnerable time. Thoughts I can allow myself during the day, I can't allow at night. I can see straight down into that hole tonight, but I won't go there. I've felt all I can stand to feel for the day.
I'll feel the rest tomorrow.
If I don't pay attention - if I don't lean in - it will come harder tomorrow - and that frightens me.
Got up - did the morning routine thing - read a little and then Michael and I (as promised) provided breakfast and airport shuttle duty to a friend of Michael's daughter. If I hadn't promised, I'd have canceled.
Michael's daughter (Chelsea) called us on our way home and we talked the whole way home and into the garage - until I started falling asleep, sitting in the garage.
"I'm falling asleep, Chelsea. Gotta go. I love you. Call you tomorrow."
I made it to the couch, fell asleep almost instantly and slept for an hour. I'm a 20 minute napper. You could set a timer for 21 minutes and I'd wake up and turn it off - every time. 20 minutes - but not today.
I wake up and still feel like I've been hit in the heart with a baseball bat.
Maybe today is hard because I know Richard and Scott are at Amy's house (I hate that Greg's name is no longer mentioned in the context of their home) all day, cleaning out Greg's garage and workshop. They'll have some help, but it's a huge job - and a sad job.
At the same time, they'll have to be conscious of Greg's sons (I don't know if I've said before, but they are 19, almost 17, and almost 13) - honor what they do and don't want to go through - try to keep things moving without pushing them. It's a balancing act - one I don't think I could manage.
Richard and Scott both called on their way home tonight. It was so good to hear each of them - more helpful than I would have imagined. I'm incredibly impressed with their resolve to "do the right thing" (as Scott says) - whether it feels good or not - whether they're appreciated or not. I'd like to think they're doing it for Greg.
I think about the pain that Greg felt - the pain that we all felt once we began to understand - how angry his brothers have been - how angry (and confused) his children have been. One thought leads to another thought and can lead down that spiral path into the abyss. Not tonight.
Nighttime is the worst - the most vulnerable time. Thoughts I can allow myself during the day, I can't allow at night. I can see straight down into that hole tonight, but I won't go there. I've felt all I can stand to feel for the day.
I'll feel the rest tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment